This week, I experienced something akin to the frequency illusion. Within an hour, two unrelated occurrences led me to think of manners, and whether manners maketh man or maids – the original expression so strongly embedded in my mind by the epitome of British upper-class and sophistication, Colin Firth in the film Kingsman.
I was filling in a crossword. The clue was ‘being well-mannered’. I immediately sprang for ‘sophistication,’ feeling a sense of a strange pride. Even a crossword puzzle knows that these two are the same! Thus my humiliation was all the more severe when I realized the word didn’t fit, but the correct answer was actually ‘kiltteys’ – Finnish for the kind of kindness you associate with being a good girl, or how children must behave before Christmas to get presents. It hit a sore spot and brought back a memory from the early days of my career. I’ll share that one with you in just a moment.
Tossing the magazine aside, I went outside to do some gardening. As I tore out roots and heaved rocks out of the plot, I listened to my favourite podcast series, The Economist. The July 16th episode of The Intelligence closed with an exploration of manners. Caitlin Talbot, a culture journalist for the magazine, explored the recent rise in interest in manners, especially amongst young people. There’s TikTok classes, hashtags for various occasions and how to behave, and some research also found that AI bots respond better to polite prompts than to rude ones (although this last one I’m not sure about – I’ve heard the opposite, where asking ChatGPT to do something politely may actually yield answers that aren’t as useful as those received with very direct prompts).
In the podcast, Sara Jane Ho, the host of Netflix’s Mind You Manners, speaks of etiquette: ‘Etiquette is not limiting, it’s not restricting. Instead, it’s enabling, and empowering. Etiquette can help you set boundaries, it helps you refuse to do things that you don’t want to do.’ It reminded me of the Finnish etiquette for doctoral thesis defences: from start to finish, there are minutiose guidelines on dress, who can speak and in which order, and who can attend which part of the ceremony. My mother explained that in Finland, the etiquette is so clearly encoded because back in the day, when the first individuals earned their doctorates, Finland was still a predominantly rural country, where most people didn’t have a secondary, never mind a tertiary degree nor experience of the kind of manners that were common in aristocratic and academic circles. Etiquette was there to help everyone feel comfortable, whether they was born and raised with silverware or not.
Etiquette is not limiting, it’s not restricting. Instead, it’s enabling, and empowering.
Sara Jane Ho
That’s how I’ve always seen manners and sophistication. In fact, sophistication to me is not about one-upping others or pretending to be better than others. It’s all about being aware of oneself, one’s surroundings, and most importantly, of how others behave. I read a New York Times interview of Ms. Ho where she noted than in her mind, manners are contextual. When something may appear brutish in some circles, it is perfectly acceptable in others.
So, is being well-mannered the same thing as being ‘a good girl?’ And if so, what’s wrong with that?
Let me take you to a meeting room. I’m an intern, and I walk in two consultants. A senior female colleague is waiting for them there; I have been tasked with collecting the consultants from the lobby. I am not invited to the meeting, but since I don’t really have much work at the moment, I ask if the three ladies would like some water. The consultants say yes, please, and I go get a couple glasses.
Later, my colleague sends me a message over Teams. “That was nice of you to bring the water. Even if it’s not really your job.” I am a little perplexed, teetering on the edge of humiliated and snotty. No, it’s not ‘my job’ to carry water, but I do work here and the way I saw it, I was being a good hostess – something I had learnt at home growing up, something I, to this day, cannot see as a sign of weakness or lowering myself.
I never asked her what she meant by it, but I am certain she was giving me advice for my future. I’m sure that the gendered angle also came into the picture: we’ve all heard the stories where of a room full of men, it’s the one woman who’s asked to take notes or to go brew coffee. I took my colleague’s message as a light warning not to become the note-taker or the coffee girl.
That instance is the perfect example of my confusion about manners. I saw the consultants as my guests and wanted to be a good host; perhaps the (other) reality was that my company paid (a lot!) to them and I was, in a sense, their employer, not a host. It would have been different had I sat in on the meeting, and gotten myself a drink, and brought some for others, too.
The crossword clue stung because of more recent conversations I’ve had with my boyfriend. If we had children, I’d try to bring them up with the same kind of manners and sense of sophistication that I grew up with. My boyfriend initially rejected this outright – we are not to raise meek sheep who simply follow orders. As you can imagine, that turned into a ‘spirited’ discussion (read: fight) on what manners mean, and where the line is between being polite and being a pushover.
I recognize the good girl syndrome in myself. Absolutely. Don’t rock the boat, don’t make a fuss, don’t make a scene. Do what you’re told, and be good. I just never realized how restricting it was, or that I was conditioning myself to it. In the workplace, it’s perhaps best seen in this advice: ‘Don’t ask for permission; ask for forgiveness.’ Or in the many studies that show that women less frequently bring up their achievements and ask for raises; or the research that indicates that women who tick eight out of ten boxes for a job don’t apply, whereas men who fill only half of the requirements do.
Manners maketh men. And women. And people who are respectful of their surroundings and the people in them. While Mr. Darcy of Pride and Prejudice is infuriating in his stuck-up and down-my-nose bearing, Harry Hart of Kingsman is a James Bond -like action hero with polished shoes and a kick-ass umbrella. Manners aren’t about never showing you’re upset or never calling others out. Manners, as Ms. Ho says, empower. Especially when they empower you to stand up for what’s right.
Sidetracked 