Is it too lame now to say sorry?

A couple months ago I moved to a new flat and had to face the facts: I’ve got a lot of stuff. So much so that after a day of driving back and forth with a rental van myself, I hired a moving company to manage the rest. I had already moved to the new place, so I asked the company if I could drop off my key at their office. ‘No problem, we’ll take care of it!’ they said.

A few days later I dropped of my key at their office, in a clearly marked zip lock bag. The day before the moving day, I get a confirmation email from the company: ‘Just checking in to say that we’ve got it all under control!’ Wow, what great customer service – I feel at ease about this.

A few hours and twice as many phone calls later (the movers had trouble understanding the post-it notes I had attached to every item in the flat (to make me an even more difficult customer, I asked that certain items be stored in the attic of the old flat and others brought to the new one – which I had, in my defense, cleared and okayed with the company in advance)), my stuff is at my new home and I’ve sent the movers off with a handshake and a glass of Coke. All was well. So why was I displeased? Because I didn’t feel like I got everything that I paid for. What I thought I had purchased was a hassle-free service; what I got instead was several calls during a busy morning; and no apology from the company. The movers did apologize after the sixth call for bothering me, but the company that 1) had mismanaged the keys, resulting in an inconvenient delay; 2) didn’t have customer service available during their operating hours; 3) sent me no feedback form afterwards, did not.

Let’s agree for argument’s sake that in enlisting professionals to finish my move I ordered two things: physical delivery of my stuff in good condition AND a release from moving-induced and related stress. In that respect, I only got half of what I ordered. No, my invoice did not have ‘piece of mind’ itemized. Perhaps I was foolish or entitled to assume that when the company said ‘don’t worry about a thing,’ that really would mean that I didn’t have to answer phone calls every half an hour and help the company’s employees communicate with one another.

I stand by my opinion that points 1-3 listed above would merit an apology (maybe not the third one, but I wonder if they chose not to send me a feedback form because they assumed I’d give them bad feedback). But I started to think about apologizing more broadly. When was the last time anyone apologized to me for a mistake?

Apology = admission of guilt worthy of punishment?

There’s a brilliant scene in Parks and Recreation where Andy (Chris Pratt) falls into a pit more-or-less unlawfully dug by Leslie (the brilliant Amy Poehler). Leslie goes to visit Andy at the hospital accompanied by the city lawyer, and here’s the legal expertise he gives her.

Click to expand for the transcript

Leslie: All I’m gonna do, is go in and just say, we’re so sorry, it’s entirely our fault –

Lawyer: No no no, you can’t say any of that. It admits liability. You can’t say I’m sorry or I apologize. It implies guilt.

Leslie: That’s insane, I have to apologize. Andy was a victim – –

Lawyer: Can’t say victim.

Leslie– – of an extremely unfortunate – –

Lawyer: Can’t say unfortunate, and you can’t say situation.

Leslie: I can’t say the word ‘situation’?

Lawyer: No, it implies there was a situation.

I wonder if the lack of apologizing nowadays relates to the idea that it is tantamount to an admission of guilt that can be pursued in court. Or, to a less dramatic extent, if an apology can be construed as confessing to having made a mistake.

What’s wrong with apologizing for a mistake? To me, an apology simply means that you acknowledge that someone else has suffered some level of hurt or inconvenience that could have been avoided had things gone differently, and that doesn’t need to include anyone’s head on a plate. In the case of the moving company, what I would have liked was a simple email with a simple apology (‘we are sorry for the inconvenience caused’), acknowledging my feelings. I didn’t expect a discount because I did get the ‘what’ of the deal, but the apology would have made up for the ‘how.’

Customer service jobs can be awful. I know. I’ve worked in customer service jobs when I was younger, and while I was made cry only once, I know a whole lot of other people who’ve been treated like dirt by customers. It is never acceptable to yell, berate or belittle anyone, not even when the person is representing a company you are not satisfied with. Firstly, it’s rarely (if ever!) the customer service agent’s fault. Secondly, they have no means of rectifying what has already happened; all they can do is try find clarity and offer you compensation. Thirdly, you are not their only customer that day. And you are most likely not their only upset customer that day, either.

What I do wonder about, though, is if customer service staff are nowadays taught not to apologize for anything. It is my personal feeling of late, and in my book it’s just bad customer service. I wonder if this instruction relates precisely to the foolish idea that an apology and a confession are the same thing, and/or that both should automatically result in a financial apology.

Or, perhaps this has not been brought up at all. Perhaps customer service staff are sufficiently removed from what has happened that they feel no responsibility over the customers feelings and therefore do not feel the need to apologize. Or maybe listening to complaints day in, day out numbs you to any hurt hurled your way.

Apologizing is a bigger topic that I will write about more in the future, but for now I’ll modify the aptly-named song by Justin Bieber, Sorry, and ask: is it too lame now to say sorry? What do you think, as a customer or someone helping them?